By Miriam Bernard
We’re in a time of year where creepy images, unsettling videos, and scary scenes abound, and when you have a family member for whom these ideas are upsetting, October can be a difficult time of year! Here are few helpful tips to stay in the most peaceful frame of mind possible with your family, and making Halloween season – and all year – more manageable.
- Practice Identifying Feelings: The presence of scary feelings offers a great opportunity to practice naming emotions and the scenarios that accompany them. Help your family member articulate the following: When do I feel calm? When do I feel anxious? When do I feel scared? Why is feeling scared so difficult? (Feeling like something bad could happen, mind feels uncomfortable, body feels tight, breathing is short…) Sometimes, breaking a feeling down into its simpler parts can help to dissect it, and it becomes less mysterious or terrifying. Using a visual aid or chart with emotions is another way to help a loved one identify feelings easily.
- Make a “Coping Toolbox”: Grab a little box or bag with a couple favorite books, fidget toys, a beloved stuffed animal, or something tactile like slime, for when your loved one encounters uncomfortable feelings in a place or time when they weren’t expecting it. Keep this bag nearby, even when in the car or on outings, and it may come in handy for those surprising moments when something scary pops up.
- Communicate Clearly: Have a conversation with your loved one that it is a time of year in which people and stores put out pretend decorations meant to be fun. Explain that these decorations or images make some people’s heart race in a fun way, just like going down a slide or swinging on a swing. But not everybody likes those decorations or images, and it is perfectly okay to close our eyes, plug our ears, and think about something else. But the important thing to remember is that these images are pretend, and no one is in any danger.
- Prep a Cheerful Poem or Song: When a scary moment comes, have a quick song or poem that you can sing or recite with your loved one that reminds them everything is okay, and provides a distraction from the subject of their fear. Example: (Sung to the tune of “London Bridge is Falling Down”) I don’t have to be afraid, be afraid, be afraid, I don’t have to be afraid, I am safe!
- Play the “What If” Game in Advance: Thinking through scenarios in advance can be a way to help your loved one know what emotions or scenarios might arise. And give them a game plan to hold on to when that moment comes. “What if we’re watching the iPad, and an ad comes on that’s creepy and scary and has uncomfortable pictures? What should we do?” Giving your loved one choices or solutions to particular situations may allow them to feel better prepared to face the unexpected.
- Model Calm and Patience if You Want to Teach the Same: Keeping a tranquil demeanor is very important to modeling calm in scenarios in which your loved one with special needs may be feeling afraid or chaotic. Eye contact, soft spoken words, getting on the person’s level, and offering reassuring words are all important elements of body language that will keep the focus of conversations on management of tough emotions.
- Try Cognitive Restructuring: Cognitive restructuring is a three-step process that helps change how we think. 1. Identify the Negative Thoughts: Teach your loved on to recognize and articulate fear-inducing thoughts. Start by coaxing them to express the exact nature of their fear with open-ended questions. Example: After a spooky family movie night, young Sam tells his mom, “There are monsters under my bed!” It’s our job now to ask quality questions to understand: “What thoughts come to your mind when the lights go off?” Sam says, “I think there’s something hiding that will get me.” 2. Challenge Those Thoughts: Encourage your loved one to doubt that their negative, fear-based idea is actually not true. For example: Sam’s mother asks, “Have we ever found anything scary in the dark before? Could it be that we saw a movie and your mind is thinking about those things? Can we maybe turn on a night light and look together?” 3. Replace with Positive Thoughts: Guide your loved one to reframe their fears with a positive or neutral perspective. Example: Together, Sam and her mother came up with a new thought: “I am safe.” “The dark is just like the daytime, but with the lights off.” “I have my night light if I feel scared.”
We hope your family has a safe and happy Halloween, free of anxiety and fear, and full of fun and togetherness. For more tips on Halloween with your family member with special needs, click HERE.